i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
