I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
