found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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