After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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