I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
