oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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