she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
