Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm really busy with my period
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