nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He? As in you personified your dick?
Is Oprah even human
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
