6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize