i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
