Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
