my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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