I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
