I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
