You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
