I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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