Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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