If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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