You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
