Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
