When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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