I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
how drunk are you?
Several
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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