Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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