Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
