he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
