I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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