my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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