Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
