Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
