i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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