I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
