I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
