I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
