A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
