Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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