Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
