I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
