How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
