Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
