I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
