1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
