remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
