I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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