And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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