Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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