shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
