I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
