i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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