Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
why do cheetos always look like penises
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize