He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
