Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
