Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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