I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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