If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
