just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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