I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
