your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
