she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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