so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize